So, does it really take a village to raise a child? Yes, it does take a village. But where are our villages? Over the years the village has been taken out of the picture. It's been chased away. Why? What happened?
Part 1 - Teen Mothers ("Mother Child") - Babies having Babies
It use to be a man and woman got married. They have kids, dad would go to work and mom would stay home and raise the children. Fast forward to my generation: I was born in the 60's. Mom and dad both had to work. We were latchkey kids, but we were still in the village. Miss Turner lived next door; Mr. and Mrs. Stewart lived downstairs. When we got home, my brother Dwayne and I would go to Miss Turner's house for our snack and to do our homework. As it got close to time for mom to come home from work, we could go next door to our apartment and watch TV. Because Mrs. Stewart lived downstairs - she could hear any "ruckus", and she'd call upstairs "I'ma tell your mother you all were keeping up noise" or we'd hear a knock at the door, Miss Turner would say "come back over here - Dorothy just called and said you all are running up and down the hall" - or how about - Mr. and Mrs. Anderson around the corner, or Mrs. Alexander in the next building, or Mrs. Steed or Mary Fuller across the street....The list could go on and on. Everybody knew us, we knew everybody. Mom and dad knew everybody. That was the village.
Twenty + years ago. Something got lost in translation; nothing is working the way it use to. Single mother - Yep, I'm a single mother. I had my daughter when I was 27. I was working and making my own money, which made me think it was okay. I was able to take care of her but trust me it was still hard; it really wasn't okay. Why couldn't she see how hard it was to be a single mother? Hard at 27 how much harder at 15? Yes, my daughter is one of those babies raising a baby. I tried to raise her right......Let me take that back - I did raise her right. I didn't want to be the "Do as I say, not as I do" mother, so when she was born, the standards for my life changed. I committed to going to church, I dated some, no strange men around my child and no sex until marriage. I tried to set great examples. So when she got pregnant at 14, I said to her "I'm not having sex why do you think you should be having sex?" Bottom line, people do what they want and I think because we no longer have a village our kids are running wild.
The first time my neighbor told me that my daughter had a boy in the apartment while I was gone to work, I didn't want to believe it. "Not my daughter, she would never do that" - but then I had to think about something that my cousin said to me...."I will never tell you what my child will do and I will never tell you what my child won't do - we can only teach them right from wrong, but just like us, they are going to do what they want to do. Sometimes lessons have to be learned the hard way." I guess my daughter had to learn her lesson, she couldn't learn from my example.
At 25 my daughter can't look back "in retrospect" and say, "Wow, I'm so glad that I listened to my mother and didn't risk getting pregnant, now I understand why mom had all of her rules about no boys - and about waiting until I get married" - Nope, because for her, when she turns 25, she will already be the mother of a 10 year old.
Anyway, back to the village - What happened? Too many of our babies raising babies just don't want to hear it. They don't want to listen. They don't want the help - they want to do things differently. Have you ever seen someone try to help a young "mother child"? "Honey, you need to put a sweater on that baby, it's a little chilly......" That mother child will turn around and react like they've been disrespected, like they've been called out of their name...... They will turn around and cuss out the neighbor that's trying to be helpful. "Don't tell me how to take care of my baby, mind your own business.....Or how about a bunch of teenagers laughing as a two year old baby is cursing somebody....that's not cute, but who can say something without getting cursed out? or "Naw, I'm not gonna treat my baby the way my mother treated me, she wasn't never home and when she was, she was so mean she wouldn't let me do anything, I'ma let my baby do what he wants to do".............
(The "mother child" cannot understanding, yet, that mama was never home because she had to work two or three jobs because she wanted to do the best that she could so that her daughter would have a better life-- and mom was mean because...Oh God...... so, so very tired and just wanting a break and a peaceful home, but instead greeted with conflict, from someone that she's poured out her heart and soul for with no appreciation.....oh - sorry - I digress)
See the "Mother Child"---- (SCREAMING while shaking the crying baby) "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.....SHUT UP.....SHUT UP!......Now, do you understand that it's hard.
Why do we expect girls to be women, just because they made a baby? These are still children. I don't know any statistics, but from what I understand single teen parents are usually raised by a single parent. I appreciated my neighbor talking to me about my daughter. I welcome another set of eyes. There was a time when I talked to one of my daughter's friend's mother. She was younger than me, she had been a teen mother, and now her child was a teen with no respect for anything. In trying to tell her about an incident that involved her daughter, as well as mine - I didn't hear, "mind your own business" - but I felt it, she literally just stared at me. I worried about that child because as I turned to leave, I saw that child with such a look of fear in her eyes. As the door closed behind me, I could hear this child crying and being cursed out. It hurt my heart and honestly I was afraid.
"Mother child" - Your baby needs you - Your baby needs you the way that you need your mother, your baby needs you, the way that you need your family, your baby needs you the way that you need your neighbor, Your baby needs you........ the way that you need.........The Village.
Our villages are afraid to get involved, our villages feel unwelcome, our villages don't feel appreciated, our villages are made to feel like a bother because this generation of babies raising babies don't understand what they need, they don't understand that people really do want to help. But with this treatment our villages have been chased away, can they be found or is it too late, do they even care anymore? Can they even care anymore?
I don't know....What do you think?
PS - Being a teen mother makes it hard to accomplish dreams, but it's not impossible. My daughter just finished school in February and will soon be certified as a Medical Assistant. She is planning to work and continue her education in the fall. She will be going to school to become a nurse. My grandson is a straight A student.
Next entry - Why do we expect boys to be men?
