He loves him. She loves her.

Have you ever seen a couple that looked "odd" to you? Very thin person with an extremely overweight person. Very tall person with a very short person. Obviously in love, public displays of affection. Yada, yada, yada - Have you looked at those people and wondered, how do they "do it"? It's none of your business.

There are couples in this world that look "perfect". Beautiful people that look soooooo good together. They just "fit"; in your mind. But guess what, some of these people can be unhappy. They can be together just because everyone thinks they should be together because they "look right".

I would call myself an advocate for Living Life. I'll take it a little further; I'm an advocate for Living Life and Loving. – Deep love, true love, mutual love, respectable love. "What the world needs now is love sweet love, no not just for some but for everyone." In my heart and in my mind - that should be a true statement.

Love is such a hard thing. Relationships are hard. People have to work at it. But there is true love and there are true relationships out there. Why should they be limited to what some think of as normal. Why can't people allow love to be love in its purest form? Tall/short couple, fat/skinny couple (or whatever looks strange in your eyes), they may be looked at funny. An interracial couple, there are still problems there sometimes, even some persecution. But the persecution that concerns me is the blatant persecution of LGBT’s. 

I've always had gay friends and accepted them for who they are because I love who I love with no judgment, simply because I love them. I guess I’ve started looking at it from “different eyes” when my daughter came out. I was raised believing homosexuality was wrong, but from me, there was never any judgment. “You don't judge me on my sin I won't judge you on yours.” But not being allowed to love freely – sometimes in the name of God, it doesn’t make sense.  The God that I’ve been taught about is a God of love. I can't see true, respectable, consenting love as sin. (I don’t know why I always have to add this – but let’s agree to disagree, this point is not up for debate with me.)

I don't know if I will be offensive here, if so, please excuse me - trying to make a point.

He put his in her….

He put his in his…

She had her mouth on her….

We like what we like. A straight couple can just as easily do the same things that a man/man or woman/woman couple can do. But what would you think if you walked in on them? Some women like anal sex. Some men have no desire to be with other men but enjoy anal sex via a sex toy being used by their wife or girlfriend. Is he gay then? Of course not.  Some gay women enjoy a dildo every once in a while - so is she faking being gay? No she's not.

Man to Woman - Missionary, Woman on top, doggie, oral, 69, anal, sex toys …

Man to Man - Top or bottom - missionary, oral, 69, anal, sex toys …

Woman to Woman - Missionary, oral, 69, sex toys …

I was told there are more positions. Oh, does that make you uncomfortable, sorry. I’m not trying to get in anyone’s business either; I’m just trying to make a point. How about not worrying about what people do in bed (or wherever they have sex).You wanna know what’s the point? The point is; whatever anyone is doing, it’s none of your business.

Have you ever been in love? Are you in love now? Think about when you’ve seen people in love and it was beautiful. We are attracted to who we’re attracted to for no other reason than we’re attracted to them. (Oh wait, the research is still out on that one, I've heard of studies showing that there is possibly a reason why where attracted to the sex we're attracted to; chemical or hormonal - or something). Straight people are attracted to the opposite sex. Gay people are attracted to the same sex.

What is it that bothers people about homosexuality to the point of persecution and bullying? Is it the sex? Do people go up to someone who appears to be gay and ask if they are sexually active? What if a LGBT person is celibate? Do they cease being LGBT because they are celibate? No. Or what about the virgin LGBT? No. Does the judgment and persecution stop if someone is inactive? Unfortunately, no. Think about the youngsters that are coming to terms with their sexuality. I would venture to think that most of them are virgins. The persecution taking place today is causing these children to commit suicide. OMG - Do you hear me CHILDREN COMMITTING SUICIDE?  

(Please cut and paste the following from Jonah)

http://www.gayrva.com/news-views/video-bullying-in-the-cards/

Sociopaths - rapist, pedophiles, murderers; they all fall under the title of sociopath. The argument is that they are born that way, but something went wrong in the wiring. They are feared and rightly so. Their desire is to hurt someone else. I understand the fear of the sociopath, it’s because they are manipulative and plot and plan to hurt with no regard for others. 

I believe that homosexuals are born that way – in the same way that I was born black, female and straight. But why is there fear of the LGBT (and I say fear because I believe bullying is a result of fear). Could it be because there is a fear of your own sexuality? A solution to that would be - be who you are and allow others to be who they are.  

A phobia is an overwhelming and unreasonable fear of an object or situation that poses little real danger (Just thought I’d throw this in – think about it).

The bottom line is: Him loving her and her loving him has nothing to do with you;  so why should him loving him or her loving her have anything to do with you. It’s none of your business.

I Don’t Know – What Do You Think?

Self Respect

I bet you all are wondering what’s taken me so long to write this blog since I promised it to you guys about a week ago. I’ll tell you at the end.

According to www.merriam-webster.com/ Self respect is defined as a proper respect for oneself as a human being and/or a regard for one's own standing or position and Self Esteem is defined as : a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : self-respect. (Notice that self respect is included in Webster’s definition of self esteem)

Okay this all started when my daughter asked if I’d seen the video of this 14 year old girl posted on Facebook via cell phone video. Her name is Amber Cole. The video showed this young girl performing oral sex on a young boy. There were other boys standing by watching and someone taking a video. I didn’t watch much of it. My daughter wanted me to watch to see if I thought she knew she was being video tapped. She said every time the girl turned around the person taking the video would put it down, so obviously she didn’t know it was being video tapped. The argument for her was that some of her friends thought she had to know she was being tapped.

The young girl named Amber Cole denies it was her. She created a twitter page to address the issue. I believe her. With that being said, understand I’m not judging but just wondering.

These were young people, young teens engaging in a sexual act outside in the open, with people on-looking and I have to wonder why. I have to be honest and say it bothers me. Now check this out, it’s not only the girl that bothers me, but the boys too. The girl because, we all know what kind of reputation she now has. The boy....because to him it's probably a joke, he got "blown" and doesn't care about that girl.

I’m from a different generation, but must admit – I’m considered the cool mom, so there is a bit of understanding with this generation because I do talk to my daughter and to her friends. (My daughter is a bit older, but still) I have an understanding of some things. But even my daughter was perplexed with this one.

Whoever this girl is, I have to wonder what she thinks of herself. Does she not feel worthy of respect. I don’t know if I’m more perplexed by the age or the act being performed in public, in broad day light, with an audience.

Here’s another spin on the story. Amber Cole denies it was her – so who feels so bad about themselves that they would “frame” another child. Yes I said it, child. Was it the girl that was actually in the video or was it someone else. Some one that has such low self esteem and feels so threatened by another human being that they would “frame” them and say they were the one doing the act.(this is where I stopped writing about a week ago)

(Today continuing the blog)

It’s all died down. I looked at Amber Cole’s twitter page today – she has 15 followers – last week she had almost 300.

I hate to say this about me, nothing surprises me anymore. I feel like that is a sad statement to make. The morality of this world has been so damaged that an incident like this doesn’t surprise me, it doesn’t shock me. But it does sadden me.

“Child is born with a heart of gold, way of the world makes his heart so cold”. (Earth Wind and Fire).

How soon after birth do these hearts of gold turn cold? Have you ever looked into a child’s eyes and realized they don’t know the meaning of being loved? Have you looked into the eyes of a child and seen coldness? Have you ever seen a parent cursing a child out like they were a grown man? Have you ever seen a child beaten or the results of a beating? Have you ever seen a child dirty? Have you ever seen a child not cared for? Have you watched the news? Is this incident the result of a child seeking some kind of approval?

I know, in this society a good number of people loose their virginity at 12 or 13 – even younger. Our kids are exposed to too much. The girl and boy in the video, what do you think was going through their minds.  Was there a bet made that she wouldn’t do it…….in front of an audience? Was there a conversation of a plan to “frame” Amber Cole?  Who knows? At this point nobody cares. It’s old news.

Why has it taken me so long to finish this blog? Ways of the world make my heart grow cold? Am I cold hearted, I don’t think so. Do I not care? Kinda have to admit – I don’t, but I did when I started writing this. Some of you will care while you’re reading this, maybe even be outraged as I was. But how long will it last?  It’s just too much of the same thing. Things that we know shouldn’t be happening - but they are. Unfortunately we all know, they will continue to happen.

What to do? Be respectful of self. Can I be a better me. A better example. Of course I can.  I use to be a better example, but it’s hard. But honestly, if we want to see change it’s what we’ve got to do. Not many of us can be a better example for the whole world, but we can be a better example for our children, for our family and for our friends. Don’t let someone’s actions make you unapproachable. The main thing is to be an example without judgment.

I Don’t Know – What Do You Think?

I Don't Care.....That I Love You.

Okay, here's the deal, I work really hard for my money. I work 1 full time job and 2 commissioned jobs.  At times, I literally live pay check to pay check. I'm the only one in my household working right now. I support 3 adults (including me) and one child. I'm tired sometimes. I want to splurge but more often than not, my splurge is a bottle of "something to sip on" - just one maybe two within a two week period. A movie? rarely. I've got to wait for "On Demand". Dinner out? every blue moon. A vacation.? No, I usually have a Stay-cation.  I made plans this year to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. I’d started making payments last year. I'd paid for the cruise, I'd paid for the hotel stay for the night before departure and I'd paid my airfare to get to the departure location. But circumstances forced me to cancel and get a refund. I'm really not bitter about that - I do what has to be done.  So where am I going with this?

My daughter has many friends and I'm the "cool" mom so my house has been open for parties and hanging out and I know her friends well enough to have conversations with them. I reflect on the time that I upset one of her friends. She shared with me that her brother was in jail for robbing someone (I know the brother too). I asked her if he was guilty, she said yes. I replied, "Good, then that's where he belongs".  Don't get me wrong, I still love her brother. He's actually one of my favorite people. He's talented, he's funny and he's smart. But the person that he robbed worked for their money. Not fair that he should feel that he has a right to take it from them. Yeah yeah yeah, times are hard - tell me something I don't know (refer to my first paragraph). I don't care that I love him.

I'm not going to research and quote statistics. I know there are many that are in jail for crimes that they didn't commit, I honestly feel sorry for those situations. But I also know of people that committed crimes that they were never charged with but later got caught up in a "wrong place, wrong time" situation. Not guilty of the crime they were convicted of but found guilty none the less. Karma is a bitch.

I have such admiration for parents that turn their kids in when they do something wrong. There was a recent report on the news that included video surveillance of a robbery. The next day there was a follow -up report of a woman that turned her kids in (2 boys) because she recognized them on the video. She said that she had not raised her children to be criminals; they had to do the time. My daughter knows that if she got caught doing something illegal that I would not bail her out. For one thing I couldn't afford it but most importantly, how dare she! I don't care that I love her.

For the most part, I can tell when my child is lying to me. I believe that some parents only see what they want to see. This is such a disservice to our children. At a young age we need to call them out on their mess and not tolerate it. I really feel for families that lose their young loved ones due to a crime they've committed.  An armed 16 year old killed because he pointed a gun at a police officer as he flees the scene of a robbery. 18 year old killed caught in rival gang gun fire. This one really breaks my heart - 3 year old killed in drive by, police received description of - black male between 15 and 20 years old..... It goes on and on and on. Hey remember – girls get caught up in this mess too.

How about this scenario – A teenager has gotten caught up in the drug dealing business, he’s decided he wants to sell weed, make his money on the streets. There are higher ups. He’s not growing the stuff his self, he’s got a contact person that gets him the weed. I believe there are different levels that lead to the top. So say one day his mother finds his stash. She’s a good woman. She’s always worked for her money. She knew something was going on but not sure what. She didn’t raise her child to be a criminal. She flushes the stash. The son comes home, runs out of his room. She looks at him – he looks at her. She tells him – yeah, I flushed it. How dare you bring drugs in my house……..Mom doesn’t understand the streets. She just mourns her baby’s death when he’s killed because the higher ups feel like they’ve been double crossed. 

Don’t be afraid to turn your kids in. It could save their lives. Help them understand that crime will not be tolerated in your home. When your child is in jail, go visit him/her. Let him/her know that he/she is loved. Figure out a solution with your child that will take him/her off the streets. Pray that they want a better life, that he/she feels worthy of a better life, that he/she wants a life off of the street. (Sometimes, they don’t – that’s a topic for another day).

I'm a fan of Twitter and I ran across a recent blog by one of my fellow "Twitterites".  I told him that we think the same, (because this was the next topic in my head for a few days now). When I read his blog I asked permission to share the link with you. (If for some reason you can't open by clicking, please cut and paste into your address line - http://darnellwalker.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/in-spite-of-everything/ ). I thank God that I've not been a victim of a crime, but I think I would feel the same way as Darnell. How dare someone try to take what I've worked so hard for?

There are many people that have raised their kids in the "right" way, but a person is always going to do what they want to do. I hold to what my cousin "V" told me many years ago "I can't tell you what my child will or will not do" She was basically saying that even when we've raised our kids’ right, they still have a mind of their own. They are going to do what they want to do. But we as parents have to make sure that at a young age, they understand that our love doesn't mean that we're going to have a blind eye.

In not caring that you love someone, love them enough to help them understand that, nope, I don't have your back on this one. In not caring that you love someone, love them enough to tell other family members and friends to go to hell when they tell you that you're wrong for not having their back. In not caring that you love someone, love them enough to let them know your heart will be broken when they end up in prison or dead but you will not blame anyone else for the situation that they put themselves in (Yeah, I know there are crooked cops that lie - but not all cops are crooked - sometimes it's warranted - sorry). In not caring enough, love them enough to help them to understand that you will be angry at them if they injure or take a life and cause someone grief out of their selfishness. Care enough to not care that you love them.

I Don't Know - What Do You Think?

Why Risk It?

Venereal Diseases......Oh wait a minute, I'm showing my age....Sexually Transmitted Diseases - there's quite a few out there: Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Syphilis, Herpes, HIV/AIDS etc. The term for all of these diseases describes itself - sexually transmitted diseases, meaning you get them by having sex....unprotected sex. 

 

If you are, or have been sexually active in the past, chances are that you've had one of the STD's listed above. For the most part you can go get a shot or prescription that you need to take for a certain number of days that will clear it up. If it was one of those STD's with the simple remedy, did it make you stop and think about protection the next time you had sex? Unfortunately for some it was more of a confirmation that it was no big deal. "Yeah, I was burning a little when I peed, went to the doc, got a shot - cleared it right up...no biggie." Shame on you! Why would you risk contracting even one of the easily treatable and totally curable sexually transmitted disease? Men! Stop and put on a condom. Women! Stop and insist he put on a condom! Good sex, a 20 minute "ride" (more or less), you can't take out 30 seconds to "wrap it up"? How irresponsible. 

 

CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!

 

Herpes - treatable, manageable,...but do you want it. Back in the day this was the disease that "ruined" lives. When I was in college, my roommate was moving out to move in with her boyfriend. I went with her to look at apartments. In one of the apartments, the previous tenant left some private information. It was a test result, she had herpes. We knew this girl.  She wasn't by reputation particularly promiscuous, but she had the "nasty" disease. (Yep, college days, "nasty disease" we were young). Anyway, we just looked at each other, stunned. This was something that would affect her for the rest of her life. I never saw her on campus the following semester, found out that she'd transferred. I don't know where that girl is today, but I'm sure she learned to deal with her disease. There have been so many advances since that time. Just as there are many advances in HIV/AIDS treatment.

 

CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!

 

The first time I heard about AIDS was in Eddie Murphy's stand-up comedy movie, "Delirious". I recently watched it again for clarification. That portion about AIDS was hilarious back then....not so much now. It's too real to laugh about. Back then, people hadn't seen very many people that they knew suffer, wither away and die. Then it was AIDS - no real mention of HIV, because HIV meant you were ultimately going to get AIDS and die. I had a family member that I loved but didn't know very well because we didn't spend a lot of time together. We were about the same age - early 20's. On the rare occasions that we got together we always had fun. The last time I saw him he was making sure he visited all of his family. He was too weak to even get out of the car. He was always thin, but he'd withered away to nothing. AIDS had ravaged his body. He died shortly after.

 

CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!

 

Back in the late 80's, I saw a young African American women named Rae Lewis sharing her experience, being HIV positive. She'd contracted the disease when she gave blood. She was 23 at the time and her HIV status quickly turned to AIDS status. (read her story - http://www.theroot.com/views/rae-lewis-thornton-living-aids - if not allowed to simply click the link, please cut and paste into the address line). She shared from her heart her experience, but the thing that struck me so much was when she shared about going to a high school that she'd visited a year earlier. She always started her speech by asking the freshman class to stand up - she'd then say "By the time you graduate, I'll be dead". What broke her heart this particular time was that she asked how many had been present during her presentation the year before. Several people raised their hands. She asked how many had had babies or were pregnant. It broke her heart that some raised their hands. It hurt her that they were not using condoms. I remember her actually breaking down in tears as she shared this story. It was because they didn't seem to understand that they could get AIDS. 

 

I know people that are HIV positive. One person, doesn't know that I know. She was a co-worker when I worked at a hospital. I worked in the Department of Medicine and the Infectious Diseases Division was under our umbrella. I saw her status under a general report that came to our office. As far as I could see - she was healthy and living life - even being HIV positive.

 

One of my dear friends started crying when we were talking about a mutual friend (we'll just call him "X") that I'd just talked to on the phone. "What's wrong?" I asked. "He's been sick" she answered. Unfortunately, knowing he was gay made me jump to the conclusion that it was HIV. She confirmed. "Well how is he now?" I asked. "He's fine now" she replies. Being the "hard" person that I am - "so what are you crying about?" I asked. She regained her composure asked me not to tell him that she'd told me about his status and we went on to the next topic. 

 

Thinking about him later, I became angry. What the hell was he thinking. He knows to use a condom. But what was important was that he was okay. Sometime later, we got together to go to a concert. As we waited for the concert to start, he was just speaking in generality and started sharing about his status, how well he was doing - "You did know that I'm  HIV positive right?" I didn't lie, I told him yes, that I'd known. I asked him not to tell our "mutual friend" because I'd told her I wouldn't tell him that I knew. He thought he'd told me - anyway he's fine.

 

In preparing this blog, I had a conversation with "X", because people that know us may ask if I'm talking about him. There are only two people that I will confirm that it's him, if they ask; other than that - it's really nobody's business. He'd had unprotected sex with a couple of guys, didn't find out till later that they were positive. But in retrospect, he should have used a condom anyway - just because that would have been wise. I felt the need to share about him because he is so close to my heart and his story is so relevant. Yes, he's living with HIV, but of course he would prefer to be disease free. His status is undetectable - meaning that if he was tested today, he would come back negative. He's healthy and living life. (If y'all know me, you know that's my motto "Live Life", well he is.) 

 

Bottom line - It's important that everyone practice "Safe Sex" and be respectful of self. I am encouraged by actor Darryl Stephens. In his video "This is me, Raw" he talks about not having sex with people he doesn't know and respect of self. "For me not hooking up is just as much about my need to connect with someone on an intimate level if I'm being physically intimate with them - it's as much about that as it is about me needing to be honored and my body needing to be respected and if I'm having sex with people who I don't know then I'm not honoring my own body so why would I expect for you to honor my body." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4r7VYAjlQg -   If you cannot click and open this link, please cut and paste into your address line).

 

Okay, can't not do this, can't "go here" regarding HIV/AIDS and not share this topic. I am a Christian and I apologize in advance to all of my Christian friends (not really-because it's my opinion). I feel that the "down low" is a result of fear of not being accepted. I feel that all forms of consensual love are beautiful. (Note: I don't want to debate it with anyone - we can agree to disagree). If a man feels that he cannot be himself in this society and feels the need to be on the "down low" it's not something that I accept or condone but that I understand. He needs to be honest with the men that he hooks up with, especially if he sees more than casual feelings forming. He also needs to be honest with the woman that he chooses to be with. It needs to be her choice if she wants to continue in the relationship. I know women that have relationships with men whose preference is the same sex - it is workable, but in the event they that "stray", they need to be honest and protective of the women that love them.  Men, even if you don't suspect you've been exposed to HIV, use a condom. Women, insist that your man use a condom. 

 

Why this topic today - people are still not getting it! There may not be a lot shared concerning the easily treatable and totally curable STD's today, but guess what - they're still out there, just an "inconvenience" - take care of it and it's over WooHoo!! Yay!!. But, the numbers for HIV infections continue to go up and unfortunately, there are so many out there that don't even know that they are infected. There needs to be a wisdom that takes place. You know the risks are out there. Why are you being foolish with your health. Abstinence is the best way of preventing the spread of STD's - but I know that's  being unrealistic so, use a condom. How many different ways can I say it??? Use a condom - Use a condom - Use a condom - Use a condom - Use a condom......

 

I don't know - What do you think?

Teen Fathers ("Father Child") - Why do we expect boys to be men?

It’s been a while y’all. – but here’s part 2 of  -It takes a Village to Raise a Child

In Jill Scott’s “The Fact is (I need you)" – she shares all of the things that she can do. She doesn’t need help with paying her bills, or pumping her gas for her car, she can buy the things she wants, she can kill spiders…etc. these are things that I can do also, really all women can do - but then she goes on to share about needing a man – The fact is that we do need men. Notice I said men, not boys. There is an important distinction. - The following line always struck me: “I can even raise the child we’ll make…make sure he’s loved and knows what God gave, I can teach him how to walk and stand, but he needs you to help him be a man.

We're back to the village raising the child - from part one "Babies having babies" we see the "Mother Child" - now it's time to talk about the "Father Child".  Here's the main problem with the "Father Child" they can so easily walk away from the responsibility of being a father, (note, I know that the "Mother Child" can sometimes do the same, - but let's focus on the boys today)

The sad thing about the teen aged boy and fathering a child is that he's often praised for his participation in creating a child. He's accomplished something because he "hit that". Of course he'll admit that he "hit that", but when it comes time to be responsible, "Man, I don't even know if the kid is mine, you know how she is" Wow, felt enough to make love have sex with her. Those hormones were raging and now that's been taken care of, without a condom (dammit - not using a condom - a topic for later) anyway - the deed is done, the baby has been conceived and what's a boy to do?

When my daughter, Stacey got pregnant at 14 - I was hurt. There was a choice to be made. I never believed in abortion for myself. She had to make her own choice (I believe everyone has to make the decision that is right for them) Anyway - she didn't want to have an abortion, she thought about adoption, but decided it would be too hard to know that she had a child out there somewhere, so we prepared for a new member of our family.

Here's an example of what makes it easy for the boy - I received a call from the other grandmother to be – the father’s mother - I'd never met her, at this point I hadn't even met him. "Well, don't you think it would be easier for her to just get rid of it, cause I know my son ain't gonna do nothing so I'm gonna end up taking care of this baby". WOW! So the Father Child is not challenged to take responsibility.....not even by his parents. Unfortunately, this is not a rarity.

The years explain a lot. – I’ve gotten to know my grandson’s other grandmother over the last 7 ½ years. Her sons’ fathers were never challenged to be responsible in their lives, hence the circle continues. It’s expected that the Father Child will not be a man, but remain a boy.

Don’t get me wrong -I’m guilty of accepting the same thing -Stacey’s father was not present in her life. I vividly remember a conversation that he and I had, when my brother passed away. I was struggling because I couldn’t even afford to buy an outfit to wear to his funeral. I remember saying to Mike (Stacey’s dad) “Just be a man Mike” – He was truly puzzled. He didn’t understand how I could accuse him of not being a man. He wasn’t called to be responsible, therefore he wasn’t.

I’ve shared all of this to say – Parents, we need to break this circle. If you are a "Mother Child" or a "Father Child" – It’s not too late to want to be responsible. It’s never too late to learn to be responsible. We are missing responsible adults in our communities. Open your eyes and want better for your children. Be a true mother or a true father. – Leave the girl/boy behind and own up to your responsibilities.

I don’t know…. What do you think?

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

So, does it really take a village to raise a child? Yes, it does take a village. But where are our villages? Over the years the village has been taken out of the picture. It's been chased away. Why?  What happened?

Part 1 - Teen Mothers ("Mother Child") - Babies having Babies

It use to be a man and woman got married. They have kids, dad would go to work and mom would stay home and raise the children. Fast forward to my generation: I was born in the 60's. Mom and dad both had to work. We were latchkey kids, but we were still in the village. Miss Turner lived next door; Mr. and Mrs. Stewart lived downstairs.  When we got home, my brother Dwayne and I would go to Miss Turner's house for our snack and to do our homework. As it got close to time for mom to come home from work, we could go next door to our apartment and watch TV. Because Mrs. Stewart lived downstairs - she could hear any "ruckus",  and she'd call upstairs "I'ma tell your mother you all were keeping up noise" or we'd hear a knock at the door, Miss Turner would say "come back over here - Dorothy just called and said you all are running up and down the hall" - or how about - Mr. and Mrs. Anderson around the corner, or Mrs. Alexander in the next building, or Mrs. Steed or Mary Fuller across the street....The list could go on and on. Everybody knew us, we knew everybody. Mom and dad knew everybody. That was the village.

Twenty + years ago. Something got lost in translation; nothing is working the way it use to. Single mother - Yep, I'm a single mother. I had my daughter when I was 27. I was working and making my own money, which made me think it was okay. I was able to take care of her but trust me it was still hard; it really wasn't okay.  Why couldn't she see how hard it was to be a single mother? Hard at 27 how much harder at 15? Yes, my daughter is one of those babies raising a baby. I tried to raise her right......Let me take that back - I did raise her right. I didn't want to be the "Do as I say, not as I do" mother, so when she was born, the standards for my life changed. I committed to going to church, I dated some, no strange men around my child and no sex until marriage. I tried to set great examples.   So when she got pregnant at 14, I said to her "I'm not having sex why do you think you should be having sex?" Bottom line, people do what they want and I think because we no longer have a village our kids are running wild.

The first time my neighbor told me that my daughter had a boy in the apartment while I was gone to work, I didn't want to believe it. "Not my daughter, she would never do that" - but then I had to think about something that my cousin said to me...."I will never tell you what my child will do and I will never tell you what my child won't do - we can only teach them right from wrong, but just like us, they are going to do what they want to do. Sometimes lessons have to be learned the hard way." I guess my daughter had to learn her lesson, she couldn't learn from my example.

At 25 my daughter can't look back "in retrospect" and say, "Wow, I'm so glad that I listened to my mother and didn't risk getting pregnant, now I understand why mom had all of her rules about no boys - and about waiting until I get married" - Nope, because for her, when she turns 25, she will already be the mother of a 10 year old.

Anyway, back to the village - What happened? Too many of our babies raising babies just don't want to hear it. They don't want to listen. They don't want the help - they want to do things differently. Have you ever seen someone try to help a young "mother child"? "Honey, you need to put a sweater on that baby, it's a little chilly......" That mother child will turn around and react like they've been disrespected, like they've been called out of their name......  They will turn around and cuss out the neighbor that's trying to be helpful. "Don't tell me how to take care of my baby, mind your own business.....Or how about a bunch of teenagers laughing as a two year old baby is cursing somebody....that's not cute, but who can say something without getting cursed out? or "Naw, I'm not gonna treat my baby the way my mother treated me, she wasn't never home and when she was, she was so mean she wouldn't let me do anything, I'ma let my baby  do what he wants to do".............

(The "mother child" cannot understanding, yet,  that mama was never home because she had to work two or three jobs because she wanted to do the best that she could so that her daughter would have a better life-- and mom was mean because...Oh God...... so, so very tired and just wanting  a break and a peaceful home, but instead greeted with conflict, from someone that she's poured out her heart  and soul for with no appreciation.....oh - sorry - I digress)

See the "Mother Child"---- (SCREAMING while shaking the crying baby) "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.....SHUT UP.....SHUT UP!......Now, do you understand that it's hard.

Why do we expect girls to be women, just because they made a baby?  These are still children. I don't know any statistics, but  from what I understand single teen parents are usually raised by a single parent. I appreciated my neighbor talking to me about my daughter. I welcome another set of eyes. There was a time when I talked to one of my daughter's friend's mother. She was younger than me, she had been a teen mother, and now her child was a teen with no respect for anything. In trying to tell her about an incident that involved her daughter, as well as mine - I didn't hear, "mind your own business" - but I felt it, she literally just stared at me. I worried about that child because as I turned to leave, I saw that child with such a look of fear in her eyes. As the door closed behind me, I could hear this child crying and being cursed out. It hurt my heart and honestly I was afraid.

"Mother child" - Your baby needs you -  Your baby needs you the way that you need your mother, your baby needs you, the way that you need your family, your baby needs you the way that you need your neighbor, Your baby needs you........ the way that you need.........The Village.

Our villages are afraid to get involved, our villages feel unwelcome, our villages don't feel appreciated, our villages are made to feel like a bother because this generation of babies raising babies don't understand what they need, they don't understand that people really do want to help. But with this treatment our villages have been chased away, can they be found or is it too late, do they even care anymore? Can they even care anymore?

I  don't know....What do you think?

PS - Being a teen mother makes it hard to accomplish dreams, but it's not impossible. My daughter just finished school in February and will soon be certified as a Medical Assistant. She is planning to work and continue her education in the fall. She will be going to school to become a nurse. My grandson is a straight A student.

Next entry - Why do we expect boys to be men?