Walk in a dark room.
There is no light what so ever.
No light switch.
Why do you continue into this room?
It’s how I feel…..darkness.
Turn around and walk back out.
Can’t,……….. don’t know how.
Just turn around and see the light………door closes.
Pitch Black.
It happened a while ago.
When I first almost understood or understood how to try to understand.
She ran, couldn’t find her anywhere.
What’s wrong with her?
Yes, she’d been diagnosed but still I didn’t understand.
Just because it has a name doesn’t really mean you understand – Bipolar.
I drove around, and I looked and looked.
She finally came back.
I told her I looked.
She knew because she saw me looking…..
but I didn’t see her.
That was it, she said
“I see, but nobody sees me”.
Directionless –
She doesn’t know what she wants to do.
Okay she has an idea,
but this disorder makes her feel like she can’t accomplish the things she wants to.
No focus. Impatient. Failure.
Failure - Not really but that’s how she feels,
Even when successful she feels failure.
Why?
Because it’s not what she wants to do.
She finishes but can’t move forward to the next step.
Fear of success.
Wow, yep it’s a real thing.
If you fear success,
how can you not feel failure?
Focus, focus, focus.
“Stop asking me how I feel,
cause I don’t know how to explain it.
I don’t want to be here”
She can’t do it because she can’t focus.
Distracted, so easily distracted.
Can’t get frustrated with her because,
even though I don’t understand everything,
I do understand she’s trying –
I refuse not to see her trying.
I will always have her back.
I don’t care what you say about her,
even if you’re right –
I will never take your side over hers…..
she’s trying….Don’t you see she’s trying.
She can’t help it….Bipolar……tired…….can’t sleep…..manic…..depressive.
DON’T CRITICIZE HER, DON’T YOU SEE SHE’S TRYING”.
Phone call.
Crying hysterically…..”I wanna die”.
Go get her.
Go get her…..help.
Help her get help.
Hospitalized. What do we do? Medication.
– “she may not feel any different for a month – 6 weeks.
It takes a while to regulate and see how she responds.
May have to try different dosages – give it time”.
“I don’t feel any better…….
still can’t sleep……
okay, I guess I’m feeling better…..
I think it’s working.
What?
I can’t drink while on this medication…..humph………
I’m not gonna take it this weekend,
it’s my birthday…….
I’ll start taking it again……..”
Did you take your medicine?
“Oh, I forgot, I’ll take it tonight”
Did you take your medicine?
“Oh, I forgot, I’ll take it later”
Did you take your medicine?
“I will”
Did you take your medicine?
“Can you stop asking me about taking my medicine” ………..
Can’t sleep…….
Sleep all day……
So tired…..
Frustrated……
need a job……
don’t wanna be here.
Working, yay!
Minimum wage, boo.
They want her to train for this,
train for that,
doing well at the job.
But don’t’ wanna be here.
Can’t make the money she wants to make without hours.
Schedule is out.
At least 40 hours a week
good but still minimum wage….
Overtime, “Yes, I’ll come in”
No time, no time, no time……
“for me.
I can’t even start to try to do the things I want to do”.
“I wanna be happy, but I’m never happy”.
She can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
She’s crying….. “I think I took too many pills”
She’s gone.
Again I’m driving.
I can’t find her.
Back home.
She left notes.
“I love you, I’m sorry”…….
“I love you, take care of yourself”………..
”I love you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, you be a good boy”………
Oh My God!!!!!
Where is she?
Please don’t let this be happening.
Emergency room?……yes she’s here.
Thank you God!!!!!
I read recently,
– people attempt suicide,
not because they want to die,
but because they want the pain to stop.
There was a time in my life when I thought I’d never forgive someone who committed suicide. Yes, I was one of those people that only saw it
as selfish. But as I learn more and more about bipolar disorder and specifically depression I know it’s the disease, not the person. It is a
medical imbalance. I continue to try to understand because I love her.
