I Don't Care.....That I Love You.

Okay, here's the deal, I work really hard for my money. I work 1 full time job and 2 commissioned jobs.  At times, I literally live pay check to pay check. I'm the only one in my household working right now. I support 3 adults (including me) and one child. I'm tired sometimes. I want to splurge but more often than not, my splurge is a bottle of "something to sip on" - just one maybe two within a two week period. A movie? rarely. I've got to wait for "On Demand". Dinner out? every blue moon. A vacation.? No, I usually have a Stay-cation.  I made plans this year to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. I’d started making payments last year. I'd paid for the cruise, I'd paid for the hotel stay for the night before departure and I'd paid my airfare to get to the departure location. But circumstances forced me to cancel and get a refund. I'm really not bitter about that - I do what has to be done.  So where am I going with this?

My daughter has many friends and I'm the "cool" mom so my house has been open for parties and hanging out and I know her friends well enough to have conversations with them. I reflect on the time that I upset one of her friends. She shared with me that her brother was in jail for robbing someone (I know the brother too). I asked her if he was guilty, she said yes. I replied, "Good, then that's where he belongs".  Don't get me wrong, I still love her brother. He's actually one of my favorite people. He's talented, he's funny and he's smart. But the person that he robbed worked for their money. Not fair that he should feel that he has a right to take it from them. Yeah yeah yeah, times are hard - tell me something I don't know (refer to my first paragraph). I don't care that I love him.

I'm not going to research and quote statistics. I know there are many that are in jail for crimes that they didn't commit, I honestly feel sorry for those situations. But I also know of people that committed crimes that they were never charged with but later got caught up in a "wrong place, wrong time" situation. Not guilty of the crime they were convicted of but found guilty none the less. Karma is a bitch.

I have such admiration for parents that turn their kids in when they do something wrong. There was a recent report on the news that included video surveillance of a robbery. The next day there was a follow -up report of a woman that turned her kids in (2 boys) because she recognized them on the video. She said that she had not raised her children to be criminals; they had to do the time. My daughter knows that if she got caught doing something illegal that I would not bail her out. For one thing I couldn't afford it but most importantly, how dare she! I don't care that I love her.

For the most part, I can tell when my child is lying to me. I believe that some parents only see what they want to see. This is such a disservice to our children. At a young age we need to call them out on their mess and not tolerate it. I really feel for families that lose their young loved ones due to a crime they've committed.  An armed 16 year old killed because he pointed a gun at a police officer as he flees the scene of a robbery. 18 year old killed caught in rival gang gun fire. This one really breaks my heart - 3 year old killed in drive by, police received description of - black male between 15 and 20 years old..... It goes on and on and on. Hey remember – girls get caught up in this mess too.

How about this scenario – A teenager has gotten caught up in the drug dealing business, he’s decided he wants to sell weed, make his money on the streets. There are higher ups. He’s not growing the stuff his self, he’s got a contact person that gets him the weed. I believe there are different levels that lead to the top. So say one day his mother finds his stash. She’s a good woman. She’s always worked for her money. She knew something was going on but not sure what. She didn’t raise her child to be a criminal. She flushes the stash. The son comes home, runs out of his room. She looks at him – he looks at her. She tells him – yeah, I flushed it. How dare you bring drugs in my house……..Mom doesn’t understand the streets. She just mourns her baby’s death when he’s killed because the higher ups feel like they’ve been double crossed. 

Don’t be afraid to turn your kids in. It could save their lives. Help them understand that crime will not be tolerated in your home. When your child is in jail, go visit him/her. Let him/her know that he/she is loved. Figure out a solution with your child that will take him/her off the streets. Pray that they want a better life, that he/she feels worthy of a better life, that he/she wants a life off of the street. (Sometimes, they don’t – that’s a topic for another day).

I'm a fan of Twitter and I ran across a recent blog by one of my fellow "Twitterites".  I told him that we think the same, (because this was the next topic in my head for a few days now). When I read his blog I asked permission to share the link with you. (If for some reason you can't open by clicking, please cut and paste into your address line - http://darnellwalker.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/in-spite-of-everything/ ). I thank God that I've not been a victim of a crime, but I think I would feel the same way as Darnell. How dare someone try to take what I've worked so hard for?

There are many people that have raised their kids in the "right" way, but a person is always going to do what they want to do. I hold to what my cousin "V" told me many years ago "I can't tell you what my child will or will not do" She was basically saying that even when we've raised our kids’ right, they still have a mind of their own. They are going to do what they want to do. But we as parents have to make sure that at a young age, they understand that our love doesn't mean that we're going to have a blind eye.

In not caring that you love someone, love them enough to help them understand that, nope, I don't have your back on this one. In not caring that you love someone, love them enough to tell other family members and friends to go to hell when they tell you that you're wrong for not having their back. In not caring that you love someone, love them enough to let them know your heart will be broken when they end up in prison or dead but you will not blame anyone else for the situation that they put themselves in (Yeah, I know there are crooked cops that lie - but not all cops are crooked - sometimes it's warranted - sorry). In not caring enough, love them enough to help them to understand that you will be angry at them if they injure or take a life and cause someone grief out of their selfishness. Care enough to not care that you love them.

I Don't Know - What Do You Think?

Why Risk It?

Venereal Diseases......Oh wait a minute, I'm showing my age....Sexually Transmitted Diseases - there's quite a few out there: Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Syphilis, Herpes, HIV/AIDS etc. The term for all of these diseases describes itself - sexually transmitted diseases, meaning you get them by having sex....unprotected sex. 

 

If you are, or have been sexually active in the past, chances are that you've had one of the STD's listed above. For the most part you can go get a shot or prescription that you need to take for a certain number of days that will clear it up. If it was one of those STD's with the simple remedy, did it make you stop and think about protection the next time you had sex? Unfortunately for some it was more of a confirmation that it was no big deal. "Yeah, I was burning a little when I peed, went to the doc, got a shot - cleared it right up...no biggie." Shame on you! Why would you risk contracting even one of the easily treatable and totally curable sexually transmitted disease? Men! Stop and put on a condom. Women! Stop and insist he put on a condom! Good sex, a 20 minute "ride" (more or less), you can't take out 30 seconds to "wrap it up"? How irresponsible. 

 

CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!

 

Herpes - treatable, manageable,...but do you want it. Back in the day this was the disease that "ruined" lives. When I was in college, my roommate was moving out to move in with her boyfriend. I went with her to look at apartments. In one of the apartments, the previous tenant left some private information. It was a test result, she had herpes. We knew this girl.  She wasn't by reputation particularly promiscuous, but she had the "nasty" disease. (Yep, college days, "nasty disease" we were young). Anyway, we just looked at each other, stunned. This was something that would affect her for the rest of her life. I never saw her on campus the following semester, found out that she'd transferred. I don't know where that girl is today, but I'm sure she learned to deal with her disease. There have been so many advances since that time. Just as there are many advances in HIV/AIDS treatment.

 

CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!

 

The first time I heard about AIDS was in Eddie Murphy's stand-up comedy movie, "Delirious". I recently watched it again for clarification. That portion about AIDS was hilarious back then....not so much now. It's too real to laugh about. Back then, people hadn't seen very many people that they knew suffer, wither away and die. Then it was AIDS - no real mention of HIV, because HIV meant you were ultimately going to get AIDS and die. I had a family member that I loved but didn't know very well because we didn't spend a lot of time together. We were about the same age - early 20's. On the rare occasions that we got together we always had fun. The last time I saw him he was making sure he visited all of his family. He was too weak to even get out of the car. He was always thin, but he'd withered away to nothing. AIDS had ravaged his body. He died shortly after.

 

CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!

 

Back in the late 80's, I saw a young African American women named Rae Lewis sharing her experience, being HIV positive. She'd contracted the disease when she gave blood. She was 23 at the time and her HIV status quickly turned to AIDS status. (read her story - http://www.theroot.com/views/rae-lewis-thornton-living-aids - if not allowed to simply click the link, please cut and paste into the address line). She shared from her heart her experience, but the thing that struck me so much was when she shared about going to a high school that she'd visited a year earlier. She always started her speech by asking the freshman class to stand up - she'd then say "By the time you graduate, I'll be dead". What broke her heart this particular time was that she asked how many had been present during her presentation the year before. Several people raised their hands. She asked how many had had babies or were pregnant. It broke her heart that some raised their hands. It hurt her that they were not using condoms. I remember her actually breaking down in tears as she shared this story. It was because they didn't seem to understand that they could get AIDS. 

 

I know people that are HIV positive. One person, doesn't know that I know. She was a co-worker when I worked at a hospital. I worked in the Department of Medicine and the Infectious Diseases Division was under our umbrella. I saw her status under a general report that came to our office. As far as I could see - she was healthy and living life - even being HIV positive.

 

One of my dear friends started crying when we were talking about a mutual friend (we'll just call him "X") that I'd just talked to on the phone. "What's wrong?" I asked. "He's been sick" she answered. Unfortunately, knowing he was gay made me jump to the conclusion that it was HIV. She confirmed. "Well how is he now?" I asked. "He's fine now" she replies. Being the "hard" person that I am - "so what are you crying about?" I asked. She regained her composure asked me not to tell him that she'd told me about his status and we went on to the next topic. 

 

Thinking about him later, I became angry. What the hell was he thinking. He knows to use a condom. But what was important was that he was okay. Sometime later, we got together to go to a concert. As we waited for the concert to start, he was just speaking in generality and started sharing about his status, how well he was doing - "You did know that I'm  HIV positive right?" I didn't lie, I told him yes, that I'd known. I asked him not to tell our "mutual friend" because I'd told her I wouldn't tell him that I knew. He thought he'd told me - anyway he's fine.

 

In preparing this blog, I had a conversation with "X", because people that know us may ask if I'm talking about him. There are only two people that I will confirm that it's him, if they ask; other than that - it's really nobody's business. He'd had unprotected sex with a couple of guys, didn't find out till later that they were positive. But in retrospect, he should have used a condom anyway - just because that would have been wise. I felt the need to share about him because he is so close to my heart and his story is so relevant. Yes, he's living with HIV, but of course he would prefer to be disease free. His status is undetectable - meaning that if he was tested today, he would come back negative. He's healthy and living life. (If y'all know me, you know that's my motto "Live Life", well he is.) 

 

Bottom line - It's important that everyone practice "Safe Sex" and be respectful of self. I am encouraged by actor Darryl Stephens. In his video "This is me, Raw" he talks about not having sex with people he doesn't know and respect of self. "For me not hooking up is just as much about my need to connect with someone on an intimate level if I'm being physically intimate with them - it's as much about that as it is about me needing to be honored and my body needing to be respected and if I'm having sex with people who I don't know then I'm not honoring my own body so why would I expect for you to honor my body." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4r7VYAjlQg -   If you cannot click and open this link, please cut and paste into your address line).

 

Okay, can't not do this, can't "go here" regarding HIV/AIDS and not share this topic. I am a Christian and I apologize in advance to all of my Christian friends (not really-because it's my opinion). I feel that the "down low" is a result of fear of not being accepted. I feel that all forms of consensual love are beautiful. (Note: I don't want to debate it with anyone - we can agree to disagree). If a man feels that he cannot be himself in this society and feels the need to be on the "down low" it's not something that I accept or condone but that I understand. He needs to be honest with the men that he hooks up with, especially if he sees more than casual feelings forming. He also needs to be honest with the woman that he chooses to be with. It needs to be her choice if she wants to continue in the relationship. I know women that have relationships with men whose preference is the same sex - it is workable, but in the event they that "stray", they need to be honest and protective of the women that love them.  Men, even if you don't suspect you've been exposed to HIV, use a condom. Women, insist that your man use a condom. 

 

Why this topic today - people are still not getting it! There may not be a lot shared concerning the easily treatable and totally curable STD's today, but guess what - they're still out there, just an "inconvenience" - take care of it and it's over WooHoo!! Yay!!. But, the numbers for HIV infections continue to go up and unfortunately, there are so many out there that don't even know that they are infected. There needs to be a wisdom that takes place. You know the risks are out there. Why are you being foolish with your health. Abstinence is the best way of preventing the spread of STD's - but I know that's  being unrealistic so, use a condom. How many different ways can I say it??? Use a condom - Use a condom - Use a condom - Use a condom - Use a condom......

 

I don't know - What do you think?

Teen Fathers ("Father Child") - Why do we expect boys to be men?

It’s been a while y’all. – but here’s part 2 of  -It takes a Village to Raise a Child

In Jill Scott’s “The Fact is (I need you)" – she shares all of the things that she can do. She doesn’t need help with paying her bills, or pumping her gas for her car, she can buy the things she wants, she can kill spiders…etc. these are things that I can do also, really all women can do - but then she goes on to share about needing a man – The fact is that we do need men. Notice I said men, not boys. There is an important distinction. - The following line always struck me: “I can even raise the child we’ll make…make sure he’s loved and knows what God gave, I can teach him how to walk and stand, but he needs you to help him be a man.

We're back to the village raising the child - from part one "Babies having babies" we see the "Mother Child" - now it's time to talk about the "Father Child".  Here's the main problem with the "Father Child" they can so easily walk away from the responsibility of being a father, (note, I know that the "Mother Child" can sometimes do the same, - but let's focus on the boys today)

The sad thing about the teen aged boy and fathering a child is that he's often praised for his participation in creating a child. He's accomplished something because he "hit that". Of course he'll admit that he "hit that", but when it comes time to be responsible, "Man, I don't even know if the kid is mine, you know how she is" Wow, felt enough to make love have sex with her. Those hormones were raging and now that's been taken care of, without a condom (dammit - not using a condom - a topic for later) anyway - the deed is done, the baby has been conceived and what's a boy to do?

When my daughter, Stacey got pregnant at 14 - I was hurt. There was a choice to be made. I never believed in abortion for myself. She had to make her own choice (I believe everyone has to make the decision that is right for them) Anyway - she didn't want to have an abortion, she thought about adoption, but decided it would be too hard to know that she had a child out there somewhere, so we prepared for a new member of our family.

Here's an example of what makes it easy for the boy - I received a call from the other grandmother to be – the father’s mother - I'd never met her, at this point I hadn't even met him. "Well, don't you think it would be easier for her to just get rid of it, cause I know my son ain't gonna do nothing so I'm gonna end up taking care of this baby". WOW! So the Father Child is not challenged to take responsibility.....not even by his parents. Unfortunately, this is not a rarity.

The years explain a lot. – I’ve gotten to know my grandson’s other grandmother over the last 7 ½ years. Her sons’ fathers were never challenged to be responsible in their lives, hence the circle continues. It’s expected that the Father Child will not be a man, but remain a boy.

Don’t get me wrong -I’m guilty of accepting the same thing -Stacey’s father was not present in her life. I vividly remember a conversation that he and I had, when my brother passed away. I was struggling because I couldn’t even afford to buy an outfit to wear to his funeral. I remember saying to Mike (Stacey’s dad) “Just be a man Mike” – He was truly puzzled. He didn’t understand how I could accuse him of not being a man. He wasn’t called to be responsible, therefore he wasn’t.

I’ve shared all of this to say – Parents, we need to break this circle. If you are a "Mother Child" or a "Father Child" – It’s not too late to want to be responsible. It’s never too late to learn to be responsible. We are missing responsible adults in our communities. Open your eyes and want better for your children. Be a true mother or a true father. – Leave the girl/boy behind and own up to your responsibilities.

I don’t know…. What do you think?